Hopeless
by vanay
Summary: What happens after Rachel's confession and Finn walks away...Finn's POV One-shot.
1. Chapter 1

More than a feeling.

Disclaimer: Don't own glee. Hope you enjoy! All mistakes are my own and this is not beta'd.

Finn POV

This wasn't happening, Rachel and I - we are better than all of them, she's above all of this, and well at least I thought she was, this is bullshit.

'We can't have couples counseling if were not a couple'. I'm sure I say this with enough conviction to make her realise what this means.

I turn quickly as I can barely look at her beautiful face - I can see her eyes pleading with mine; trying to convince me we would get past this, but we couldn't get past this, at least I couldn't – not for now, maybe not ever. The thought of 'Finn's Rachel' only being 'Finn and someone else's Rachel' tore through my chest. Regardless of how much I love her I know I can't be with her knowing what she did to me.

She attempts to justify her actions but I dismiss her comments promptly and summon up the strength to respond to her, we both know what's coming; I turn once more in her direction and say the words knowing it's the end, it's final. I try to ignore her saddened look - she looks almost as broken as I feel.

I hear the words come out of her mouth 'You said you'd never break up with me'.

Did she _actually_ say that? Does she not realise I never thought I would, I never wanted to probably would never consider doing so but not now, now I have to. This wasn't part of that deal, cheating was _never_ part of the deal!

'I never thought you'd make me feel this way' I can barely whisper it, but I make sure the words come out.

As I let those final words slip through my mouth I genuinely mean them, she'd broken us – she'd broken me. I turn fast, choking on my own saliva – my Adam's apple swollen in my throat with the gulps I've been taking, trying not to scream or cry or do every emotion boiling through me. Everything appears suddenly in slow motion – my brain still registering what my now ex-girlfriend has just confessed to me. People stare at me, having watched our encounter. I don't give a shit though, they can do what they like, say what they like, I don't care. The only person I truly care about just ripped my heart out and shat on it. What the hell matters anymore I question furiously? Expect I already know, in my mind its simple, nothing matters without her by my side.

I'm walking through the school corridors trying to keep pace but I can't, the walls seem to be closing in on me, suffocating me. The thoughts in my head of Puck and the girl who was my Rachel together, it's dragging me down attempting to drown me, the deceit making me feel nauseous. I try and make it stop, I don't want to think, thinking is making me want to punch the wall I've stopped to support myself with. I can sense the tears in my eyes being to form – they sting, the burning in a new sensation like nothing I've felt before.

People are still passing by, giving me those sympathetic eyes, I just want them to piss off and go to hell. I consider telling them my thoughts but my head is going off ranting violently whereas my mouth won't open, it refuses to react back. Underneath it all I accept it's a good thing; I know through the gut wrenching feeling of pure pain that is consuming me, no good will come out of it. My main focus is just concentrating on keeping myself upright. My legs still feel weak, but I see the rest room in sight and keep going, I refuse to show my weakness.

I make it to the toilets and quickly unclench my aching hands, they're white and swollen. The numbness going through me is making me less conscious then I normally am as my fingers are still sore from the grip. I slam the door of the first cubicle I throw myself into and I'm surprised they don't come off the hinges. I can feel my heart pumping furiously trying to fight the breaking running through my veins, but that's nothing compared to the aches going through my stomach. The knots are consuming and painful, the feeling burns at the pit of my stomach.

I realise only now when I'm in the toilet cubicle that I never felt this way about anyone before, Quinn had a special place in my heart, so I was hurt finding out the crap she did. The difference with Rachel is no competition. She has my heart, all of it and it meant nothing to her. I think about Puck and how satisfactory punching the shit out of him will be, and then I think back to Rachel and the tears start to run silently down my face, and this new alien feeing gripping me and actually losing her goes smashing through me.

Sliding down the toilet door I wonder why I allowed myself to fall for her. I was the jock, and she was Rachel Berry, we weren't even supposed to happen. I wonder when I truly started to fall for her, and her craziness. I'm sure that no matter how scared I was, it was as instant as it were real – the first time we sang and she slammed those music papers down. It was some freaky shit but by the end of those rehearsals something had changed, I started to notice her. I'm getting angry with myself now, regretting Mr Shue's six weeks detention offer. I try distracting myself by thinking 'what if' I never joined Glee. Still I couldn't persuade myself to work through my thoughts. I always assumed and guessed that i would be the one messing up. Wasn't I the one that was meant to be the ass? She was little miss perfect – when did she become someone different? I feel a sigh emerge as I acknowledge I couldn't hide out in the toilets much longer.

I conjure up the energy to lift my head resting off the door and it requires much more effort than i expect. I've already decided today was pointless. I need to get out of this hellhole and clear my head. I manage to say 'it will be ok' at least ten times - I know I'm lying to myself, but if convincing myself that I'm ok will get me the out of here without attention, then so be it - I was prepared to act that way. I release a tense breath and slowly approach the sink and wet my tear stained face –attempting to gather some form of composure one final time.

I walk out and see the person who has left me this way a distance away, looking equally crushed but knowing full well she was the cause of this damage. I wonder why she did this to us again, and although I know she was insecure I told her I loved her time and time again. I still can't believe she didn't realise how in love I am with her? How many times would it have taken? I can't understand that she never understood - Rachel was the only person I thought about morning, day and night. I never thought about anyone – not Quinn not Santana, not in the same way. However wrong it was I thought of Rachel even when I was with Quinn. I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted her, I dream about her in every way every god damn night without fail. I find myself asking how she doesn't get it again!

The gut feeling returned and kicked me hard. I wish the love I felt for her would disappear at least temporarily and if I'm completely honest at that moment I wanted her to disappear, I wanted the pain to go away. I quickly glance in her direction and notice she is staring at me – her eyes red rimmed. A part of me wants to comfort her but then I remember the hurt running through me was because of her, and I rush out of school.

The grey sky matches my mood clearly, and the crisp air cuts right through me. The tears make me feel weak but I can't help them. They voluntarily flow freely. I jump in my death trap hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've risked everything for her but she just threw it all away. I wonder if my happy ending will ever come back, and how we will ever be alright again.

_I thought we were a part of something special, I wanted to believe we were a part of something special. I don't know if we can ever be that special again. _

A/N I'm so bloody depressed with the storyline. If finchel is unhappy I am unhappy! :( They need to get back tooooggggggetttherrrr ;( ssaddddd me! I'm so angry – I'm not pro Finn btw. I'm gonna do Rachel's POV – if you guys like my one-shot?


	2. Watching

I do not own Glee, All mistakes are my own!This is not beta'd!:)

Rachel is slightly OCC!

Rachel's POV

I watched him leave, and I feel my eyes rolling back painfully so and the tears start welling up again, and I begin to wonder whether I should run after him, beg and plea with him to forgive me. My hand is placed over my chest, and I begin rubbing my aching heart, trying to ease the pain, even though I know it's not going just go away to disappear, I still find some comfort in my actions. I so want to justify - _make _him see we are us, one - 'Rach and Finn', not just plain 'Rachel'- even I'm not sure who I am without him anymore.

I sigh and realise I can't do it, besides I start thinking – I'm the reason he's walking away, It was down to my confession, and I'm sure the words I followed with after hadn't eased the situation. If I'm completely truthful, my last words however true they were was admittedly slightly beneath the belt, even on my standards – I curse knowing I shouldn't have said them.

To be honest what did he expect though – I'm Rachel Berry after all, if I want something enough I go after it, and if it takes that much more effort I fight for it. I only wish Finn would do the same for me. A part of my still wanted to run after him but no I managed to reassure myself I've made the right choice letting him walk away. Underneath it all I know I have, I've done enough damage and caused enough pain. I can't say I ever imagine us really being together for too long any way, it's not as if I deserve his love. I'm not sure whether this was a question or a statement, although I compromised on it being a fact.

I can face one fact though, I'm nothing in comparison to the devil reincarnated – Satan - even if she was rotten to the core, her looks and I take great pleasure in recognising this will carry her through, but only for now - it was all she had. I think about that evil cow and how much pleasure I would take in decking her and bruising the ego that always seems to get right up my butt these days.

I stand pondering my thoughts towards Santana, attempting to control all the mixed feelings that are flowing through me. I draw my attention to Quinn, who I admit is beautiful and even underneath it all she does possess some worthwhile qualities and is a partially decent human being. Why didn't he get that I preferred Quinn over the devil, did he not realise what a monster that girl was? But even above all this I still wonder what I have to offer Finn. I wasn't a size 0, hell I wasn't even a size two. I wasn't tall, pretty, or nice apparently? Was that why he slept with her?

I smile slightly when I remember the ways in which he came after me. Finn Hudson came after me Rachel Berry. I remember the words so clearly - I hear him so clearly like it was yesterday when he said them 'I don't give up that easy', and with that I felt my face crumple, I couldn't withhold the tears. I never felt so alone.

I jump at the bell that instructed me to get to class. I suddenly realise I'm not rushing to close my locker, I'm not moving with any urgency even knowing I was going to be late, it didn't seem to matter, it was only a sundry thing. I guessed that there was no point when I was torn in half anyway – nothing really matters without him by my side, but I know I must keep going, even if I was dying inside.

I see the classroom approaching and take a few hearty gulps of air before I enter the classroom, composing and reassuring myself this was the last lesson of the day and however much I didn't want to face it, I would make it through. I bow my head down, trying not to look anyone in the eye, as I'm sure the redness would make my shed tears obvious, and for once I didn't want that attention. I tilt my head up, only slightly but I regret it immediately. The whore was facing me full whack, I tusked at her and walked past. There was no definition, or words worthy for her – she was definitely the root of all evil. She was always there, ruining every bit of my life. I sit down promptly wishing this day end, a second breathing the same air as her is a second too long today.

"Finny looks great in the nude." She smirks and turns and looks at me, "O and even for a virgin he still pushed the right buttons, if you get my drift". I watch her elbow Brittany in a playful manner and I picture myself punching her so DAMN hard her ass goes flying right out of my face. I attempt to calm down and assure myself she will get exactly what's coming to her, I'm better than her nonsense.

"He's dropped the smurf now I hear" This times she's saying it to me, and continues "Him and me need to get it on. We're popular, we _know _each other, we can make it to the top push the incest folks back into place, and I'm sure we can satisfy _his _needs." She looks over at a disgusted Quinn and then lets her glare burns through me.

I can feel myself reacting, my blood is boiling viciously through me and I feel my eyes widening. Never in my life had I wanted to spit fire at such a totally horrendous and vindictive person, if a person was what she was. My sweaty hands that were placed neatly on the desk had bunched into fists of fury, and the chair I was sat on had my legs securely wrapped around the legs, just to make sure I didn't get up and do something regrettable.

"I mean, come on, I'm hot – he's hot – together we're totally hot," She was licking her lips making ridiculous noises. "I mean compared to that"she was pointing at me"I'm it, and well-"

That was all it took for me to completely lose it – why did she always have the upper hand.

"Santana" I yell with such hatred and anger "You are an absolute disgrace, you know that – I've never ever seen anyone that struts around with no shame! How dare you have the audacity to talk about me like that when you're nothing but a dirty whore, riddled with STDS!" I don't agree with substituting swear words for the various other words offered in the English dictionary but she didn't deserve my civil tone today. Fight fire with fire was the statement running through my mind. I then pointed my finger at her and she looks at me half shocked at how angry I am, but I couldn't care less - she needs to be shown. "You really think Finn's going to come running after you don't you? Well if I remember rightly, Finn came after me before AND after you slept with him! Sorry to break the illusion to you but no one wants a full time slut!" I'm being venomous but I want to stand up to her. I spat one final time "Finn had the opportunity to date you when I was with Jessie, Santana, but he still wanted me! Even Puck starting to prefer me - so guess what – you lose and I win."

I walk out as Mr Schue enters the room, he gives me a raised eyebrow but realises there's something not quite right. He doesn't question it, and lets me go.

I give her one final warning whilst I still have the energy "Stay away from me, and don't think things up that will never happen. He wants me more – face it".

I hear some more vile begin to form out of that disgusting mouth of hers but I'm long gone to make out exactly watch she's talking about. I start calming down, slowly releasing all the tension. I feel ashamed at how I allowed myself to sink down to her level, but I couldn't refrain from speaking out. In the back of my mind I feel a small amount of pity for her. She has to sleep her way through half of high school to feel wanted? I'm glad more so now than ever, that I am who I am – except the cheating part of course, and the missing last lesson – I'll have to negotiate with Mr Schue in regards to my attendance register. I try working through various excuses to work through tomorrow. It serves as a distraction to help my gut aching, my broken heart from shattering entirely. I pace towards the exit.

I walk outside into the empty car park and inhale slowly and deeply before I realise I've lost Finn again and I exhale sharply. The mixture of grief and the coldness from the air feels like the coldness without him filling up inside my heart and knocking the breath out of me. I couldn't be without him – I never wanted to be without him! I sob silently whilst desperately trying to figure out how to get to the confinement and privacy of my own for walls to mourn my loss. Finn had always given me lifts – even before we were official, and today was the first time in as long as I can remember that I had to walk. This sent tremors through me and I felt the pain shoot through me. I'd have to adjust to life before him and I didn't want to – that life wasn't worth living.

I felt my legs moving forward but the numbness had come over me, I was glad in some respects at least it replaced the pain, now emptiness was welcome. I was nearing my home when I felt my phone vibrate, desperately hoping it was Finn I looked quickly only to see it was fom Kurt. It was nicer than I envisaged but sternly advised me he would meet me at my house in an hour. I didn't text back – I just wanted to curl up in a ball and scream the emotions I felt out, not be told off like naughty child.

As i watched the scenery go past I realised when he hurt me, I hurt him more. I totally realised I really did 'suck' at everything but singing, this relationship was all I wanted for so long, and I compromised it with Puck? I was angery with me now – I wanted to punch myself so hard. I let him down, I let us down. I wailed again but felt someone's precense behind me which stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Rachel"I turned to see the person calling me...

Hope you enjoyed it - I do like Santana and i don''t think badly of her ALL the time - not in episode nine though!This is Occ I know but I do wish Rachel would deck her and put her in her place lol :) If you could drop a review that would be great!Thanks :)


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